|Excerpts From An Excuse (Part VIII)
||[Nov. 10th, 2007|08:04 pm]
|||||"Carry you," by Jimmy Eat World||]|
I'm sitting here at work -- minding my own business, while one of the people I work with is having a rousing conversation with my most recent ex-girlfriend, with no regard to me being here. I wish I could just not listen -- but, really, what am I supposed to do? Sit here with my hands over my ears? It affects me very much. I wish I could wipe her from my mind. I don't want to think about her anymore; don't want to be reminded about her; don't want to work with her friends anymore. See, I was doing okay with the whole post break-up up until a few days ago when she called me, and told me that even though she's going to be home for Thanksgiving, she doesn't think it's a good idea we see each. She was all, "well, I didn't know if you were all excited for me coming home, so I figured I'd tell you I wasn't coming so I wouldn't get your hopes up." Excuse me? So, what, apparently I'm this sad little puppy, who she thinks does nothing but pines for her when she's away? Basically, I told her to get over herself and to fuck off. Which turns my post break-up feelings about her from fond to hateful. That's the last thing I wanted when she went away to Grad school, I just didn't want to hate her. I don't need another person in my life, to whom I cringe at the sound of their name. And, I didn't think it was going to be this way with her. Like, last September -- a month after week broke up -- we got together, and we cleared the air with a lot issues. I felt really good about the way we left things, to the point where I didn't detest her. If things ended there -- last September -- and that was the last time I ever saw her, I would have been okay with that. But, no, she leaves this ridiculously unnecessary message on my voice mail -- trying to take the high morale stance on the situation -- and telling me that she's decided that she never wants to see me again. It was just so unnecessary, and now changes everything between us. I mean, if she never called, based on how we left things in September, maybe after some time we could have gone back to being friends. But, now, because of her gigantic ego and obvious disregard for my feelings, our relationship -- whatever form it would have eventually taken -- is now pretty ruined. And, I'm pissed about it, I won't lie. There was no reason for it. She now joins the short-list of people that I'd like to drop from a plane, and she didn't have to be.
I wish I could let this go. I wish I could just forget her entirely; let go of the disdain I feel for her and just move on with my life. It's amazing, as humans we've come so far through evolution: opposable thumbs; learning how to invent things; making planes fly, etc. And yet, we still haven't haven't managed to manufacture the sure-fire, correct way to deal with a difficult break-up.
I don't know why I felt compelled to type this -- I'm just upset, I guess, with having to listen to one side of the conversation with my ex-girlfriend. So that's probably it. I just wish I was better at dealing with his angst, and not letting it get to me as much as it does. It's just amazing that the thought of a certain person can turn your whole stomach to sludge, and you don't have the slightest idea why. Perhaps I need to approach science about the potential to re-work my stomach. Maybe add flamethrowers. Or, wings. Although, that might look awkward... But, I trust science will make the right decision on the matter. They always do. Double-fisted science.